fuzzy sweater.

Friday, April 30, 2004

Okay... I must print a retraction. After all this time blasting on the Fiery Furnaces, I have to say... Catherine sent me two songs off their album, and they're quite good. It's almost as if it's not the same band... and if I hadn't seen a confirming photo of the band, I would swear that it wasn't the same band at all. Very odd. I might even like them.

So, tonight, finally, after all my time in New York, I'm going to see Stella. There may be some balls dipped in some stuff, though I'm not going to get my hopes up. Metaphorically, to be sure, there will be. And I will not, will not, throw myself at the feet of either Michael Showalter or Michael Ian Black.

My forehead hurts where I banged it repeatedly on my desk yesterday morning. That's apparently what happens now, when people come up and ask me big work-related questions before 9:45. I'm ultimately the one that suffers, but it did feel satisfying at the time. I'm thinking of cutting out coffee altogether and just doing the head-banging thing henceforth.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 16:15

Thursday, April 29, 2004

My heart sank down to my stomach this morning when, upon checking my mailbox before leaving my apartment, I discovered my college alumni magazine wedged inside. I've managed to elude these alumni society sharks for four years! How the hell did they track me down? I know I've been stealthy enough, and I certainly didn't contact them myself... I emailed my mom a vitriolic note this morning and she denies having told them anything... my dad doesn't know my address, or have a clue where to find it... so I don't know. It's a mystery.

I'm primarily irritated because this means I'm going to be vulnerable to the hordes of donation requests that I know are imminent. I can throw them away, no problem... but I would still prefer to be that girl from '00 who disappeared into the alumni void, never to be solicited from again. I just think there's something incredibly annoying about them persistently asking me for money when I have none and they have well over $200 million. I also worry that maybe the alumni people are behind the "unknown number" phone calls I've been getting every few nights. I used to be one of those callers... I know they're taught to be tenacious.

I also roll my eyes at the whole mess because the magazine itself reminds me of where I came from, and who I may possibly, if ever so vaguely possibly, could have turned out to be. At age 26, married, with a kid and a dead-end PR job in a tiny company in podunk-town Iowa. Kind of the opposite of how things have actually turned out for me. It makes me feel pompous to say so, but I'll say it anyway... I feel like I'm the one who's doing it right, and they're not. Even if I do hate my job and even if I don't know where I'm going. I'd rather have that possibility of change. It just creeps me out to see these people who used to be messed up college kids, typically more messed up than me, suddenly turn responsible and grown-up. And probably writing checks to the good old alma mater.

Oddly enough, just last night I spent a little while looking up old high school classmates on Friendster. I wanted to find anyone there, any one of them. But I found nobody. It just made me sad. Do you know what I mean? What I was hoping to find? Some sign that someone else I used to know, who came from where I came from, has anything in common with me at all today.... I mean, I know Friendster is not exactly "something in common". But it's within my reach. Maybe I read too much into this. Still.

... God, I sound like such a snot. I'm sorry, I know a lot of you guys are married and have kids and are happy. I'm just talking about myself here.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 11:37

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Okay, some more links today because I'm just not up for writing thought-provoking/ed matter:

First! Who wants to go to this tonight? The editor of Found Magazine is talking at Barnes & Noble on 22nd Street at 7:30 and I wanna go.

Second! It's coming up on Siren time again. Yes, there are a few bands listed here that I would like to see... DCFC, why not, Blonde Redhead, yes, TV on the Radio, super... but please, somebody explain to me why The Fiery Furnaces are popular? What is that about? I lie awake at night wondering why other bands who are so fantastic don't make it big while bungled musical garbage like TFF are headlining at major music festivals. I chose to sit outside in the rain, on wet concrete, rather than listen to them when they opened for Ted Leo at Southpaw. And I have ranted about them many a time and not come across one person who thought any better of them. I'm right, I know I am. So confounding.

Third! I found this anti-Brooklyn "thing" from Viceland to be mildly entertaining, in that way that grossly slanted things can sometimes be... this poor guy. What a royal douchebag. Read the follow-up comments! The way people get on bulletin boards, all riled up and out to hurt each other and say the stupidest possible things, just weirds me out.

And Fourth! Tonight at Baskin Robbins, they're giving away free ice cream from 6 to 10. Found mag thing and then free ice cream? How could a Wednesday night be much better?

I can't get into the Viridian Room. For some reason it's not working on Macs yet. It's driving me crazy, knowing the room is there and being unable to do anything about it.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 12:47

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

No strange thing.

Ooh ooh ooh, look what happens tomorrow... The Crimson Room's follow-up, The Viridian Room, is about to permeate. I don't know if I'm ready, but try I will. I had to cheat last time so I won't feel too terribly bad having to cheat again. I already know my own limitations, and I've more or less come to terms with them.

Crap, I already can't think of anything else. I forget what else I was going to say. It was good, too, I think.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 11:58

Monday, April 26, 2004

As of this afternoon at 4, the day breaks and life goes back to normal. The project I've been working so hard on will be finished, and I can resume my usual intensive slacking. Until then, I have just a few things to say:

1. Garden State was really entertaining, not what I expected from the preview exactly because unlike the preview which was soft-spoken, it was funny. But good funny, and I liked it, and you probably will too when you see it in July.

2. Deerhoof at the Knitting Factory were lovely last Thursday, and rocked very much, and I would have told you to go see them on Friday at North Six if I could have spared a moment to do so, but because I couldn't and didn't, I feel bad that I may have robbed some of you of that experience, and for that I gravely apologize. Next time you ought to go.

3. Brother David is IN TOWN, and has already been partially initiated! By that I mean we took him to the Boxcar last night and forced him to drink to celebrate his 23rd birthday, which he did willingly and fun was had. Hooray! His new place is on maybe the best street in Manhattan and I'm already a little jealous, even though we haven't seen the actual apartment yet.

4. Please, right now, go to your nearest bookstore and pick up a copy of How to Breathe Underwater by Julie Orringer. The story about the pill-popping, messed up girl and her niece made me feel like I had been popping pills on the train this morning myself. It's such good writing. Good stories. Good good good.

For now, that is all.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 13:32

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

So this is the week of the arrival of my brother David into my adult life... I'm getting so excited about it I could spit! I have all this visions of the fun things we'll do together (and none of them involve hair-pulling fights or throwing rocks at each other or attempting to inflict permanent psychological damage!). First, though, is the matter of the young man's 23rd birthday, which falls on the day after he gets here. And oh, do I have the best present ever for him! Unfortunately, little pitchers have big ears so I can't reveal it here. But it's going down in history. You hear that, Dave?

Everybody keeps telling me how jealous they are that I have a sibling moving to New York. I can relate... until recently, I was jealous of all those people who had family here, or whose brothers or sisters were able to share their life a little bit. Most of us don't get the chance to know our siblings as grown ups (though I wince at calling myself that), do we? These people who were so integral in our younger lives... they go off and start their own lives and splinter off like that. Especially in New York City, where we all tend to wash ashore alone, seeking to shed most of what we left behind us. The people we leave behind don't always understand the draw, and trying to explain it to them can make a person feel pretty lonely at times. There seems to be a common feeling of something missing... that something which sometimes ends up drawing people back to where they came from. I don't know. I'm just happy and a little relieved for myself that he'll be here.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 13:39

Monday, April 19, 2004

okay, so you know how last week i was going on about garden state? and maybe i mentioned how i was hooked on the preview like a junkie on junk? and watched it at least once a day all of last week? and how i was wishing real hard for a preview ticket, even though i never ever get offered preview tickets? well, just guess what! jeremy got me one! and he almost forgot to tell me! so now i'm going, on wednesday, to see garden state, which i'm rubbing in your faces, though not to be mean, i'm just a little gleeful about it is all.

okay... well, no, i'm faking most of the glee. i'm revelling in my good fortune about the movie to cover up my actual mood. the beautiful thing about blogs is that you can't actually see how drawn my face is, how exhausted i look. i'm in my third day of being unhappy and i'm just completely tired out by it. my weekend was fraught with annoyances and frustrations and terrible hangovers. of course, they were intermingled with way too much drinking and some really good times too... still.

anyway, i'm focusing on positives today wherever i can find them. like the fact that my 10:30 meeting was moved to 4, giving me time to actually prepare for it. and like the mix CD i got from the interstate last week which was embedded* in my discman all weekend. i've been the recipient of a lot of great mixes in my time, and recently i've been given quite a few... they blow my mind for awhile and then i add them to my itunes and they become part of the greater mix. but this CD is superfresh. i love mix CD's so much, they're all full of surprises... liz, though, liz is an artist. sean na na, space needle, the pee chees, figurine, comet gain, versus, deerhoof, microphones, slumber party... like if this mix was a man, i would want to have ten thousand of its babies. and if you think you can do better, i encourage you to "bring it".

*i think i've heard that commercial for the tim robbins play too many times on air america. he's embedded the word 'embedded' into my vocabulary.

i do feel somewhat better, having dwelled on positives while writing this post, and having finished my coffee. huzzah.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 12:06

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I kind of wish I hadn't read this article about how heavy social drinkers can end up brain damaged. I probably do drink over 80 drinks a month. Or thereabouts. I like to go out... maybe too much.

I was going to try some dumb cognitive skills gag, a misspelling or something hilarious like that, but I don't feel like it. I might as well save my few remaining brain cells for better things, like finding my way home tonight.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 14:08

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Okay, I know this is, like, so three years ago... but sometimes when I'm feeling stressed (although today has been markedly better) I like to go visit my old kitten friends at Rathergood. Just look at them marching! How can one not be uplifted?

the words spilled out effortlessly at 13:30

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

after another morning of brow-furrowing and pouting and muttering evil things under my breath and yes, tears, i decided i owed it to myself to spend the afternoon with headphones on, to calm myself and protect others. it's working great so far... music is so much better through headphones! oh, i'm even happy! if only i could always feel entitled to this sort of cushion of privacy while at work... i'd be much nicer to people. in fact, i probably wouldn't talk to anyone at all, because i would never want to venture out from under my headphones, and therefore i would never have any miscommunications at all! although, it's kind of weird that i'm almost afraid to take them off to go get a coffee right now... maybe not such a good plan.

tonight, finally, i'm going to see eternal sunshine. i thought i was the only person left in town who hadn't seen it yet, but kelly and kadie haven't either by some stroke of dumb luck, so we're going. i do hope it makes me feel something. i really would like to be made to feel something. it seems likely.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 16:14

Monday, April 12, 2004

nothing has been able to shake me from this mood i'm in, which started this morning when i got to work. not chocolate, or applying for new positions, or my attempt to dress "cute" today. in truth, my "cute" outfit makes me feel like a german crossing guard, the people with the available positions will almost undoubtedly not contact me back, and the chocolate made me feel guilty because i'm trying to eat decently after gorging myself all weekend.

these are not the reasons i'm on this edge... it's her. her, she who ruins my every day, who somehow squashes my self worth while being totally vapid herself at the same time.

god, now i just want to cry and get mad about any damn thing. why can't she ever be out sick? i wanna go home.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 15:39

Friday, April 09, 2004

Ooh.

Looking very forward to Garden State after seeing this preview... which of course gives nothing away, but the cinematography looks amazing and I do like Zach Braff, and Natalie Portman looks like she's going to be good in it too. And Method Man is in it too, if that entices anyone. Might have to wrangle myself a preview ticket or something. Like I know how to do that.

In fact I think I'm going to watch the preview again, for the third time. It's got this potent romantic longing, a textured ambiguity about it that makes me feel good. Kind of goes along with this Decembrists mood I'm in.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 16:10

Thursday, April 08, 2004

and now for something completely different...

last night, jeremy and i found ourselves watching another zombie movie. this one is chinese. therefore, by the two defaults of being 1) a zombie movie and 2) asian, it ranks among the best movies ever. it's also really funny and a solid zombie flick at the same time. it's called biozombie, and you should be adding it to your netflix queue within the next two minutes. go on.

going tonight to see the pernice brothers and lambchop with megan for her birthday. i don't really know either band, but i'm hopeful and excited about new bands.

also, i have a new life plan. so that's big. but i don't think i'll go into it just yet. i hate writing out my new life plans and then not following through with them, and then re-reading old posts about how optimistic i once was. all while sitting in the same cubicle. but i'm hopeful. good for me?

the words spilled out effortlessly at 17:08

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Last week, when I was being driven through the English countryside, I decided it was time to re-read Pride and Prejudice for the fifth or sixth time. So for the past few days, I've been reading it, and am happy to find that over the past few years I've managed to forget some of the lesser plot lines and am able to be surprised by it again.

I think I'm always going to love this book, I can't help myself. It just wraps itself around me and keeps me warm. I know a lot of people probably don't bother reading past the first few pages, or even the first paragraph, it being chiefly about women in petticoats trying to marry themselves to the man with the best fortune that they can wrangle. Which is a dry subject to read about, I know. But I just love the way reading Jane Austen makes me feel. Anyway, I just got to the part where Darcy declares his love and admiration for Elizabeth, and she's about to tell him to talk to the hand because her face isn't listening. One of my favorite parts! I only wish I could eradicate the picture of Colin Firth playing Darcy from my memory... not that he isn't the very epitome of Darcy. That's kind of the problem. I'd rather not be influenced into imagining him so specifically.

I got a superb mix cd in the mail yesterday which is making me really happy, too. Good day in general.

Tomorrow I'll have to dredge up something "cool" to write about, I guess.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 11:52

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

my day has been a combination of working intensely on an ill-fated, ugly looking powerpoint project, and completely losing myself in mindless internet pursuits such as entering sweepstakes (though i could win... i really could...) and reading television without pity recaps of shows that i don't even watch. i feel like i should at least have some decent links to offer up... but i don't, really. although i can tell you some stuff. like did you know that jeff tweedy is in rehab? he's addicted to his migraine painkillers. it doesn't make me think any less of him, because he is a tormented and beautiful musician and is allowed to have a fault or two. also, ... well, there's nothing else worth telling, really.

okay wait, i was wrong. i'm going to steal a few choice items from the morning news! check this out: apparently,
the story of lolita was told by a german guy forty years before nabakov ever set pen to paper to write my favorite book. the article even asserts that nabakov couldn't have plagiarized the story, because he didn't speak german at all and the story itself was buried in some obscure book. actually i kind of stopped reading the article halfway through, but still. i'm pretty sure they were asserting that. i don't buy it.

also from tmn, here's ricky gervais from the office explaining british slang. i shudder to think what the american version of his show is going to be like. irony in an american comedy show? who ever heard of such a thing! the fact that gervais himself is writing it doesn't make me feel much better.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 16:41

Friday, April 02, 2004

I'm just sitting here enjoying my cheddar, branston pickle, fakin' bacon and nayonnaise sandwich and thinking about stuff.

Did anybody get duped yesterday by April 1 pranksters? I did. Jeremy emailed me that he heard on Brian Lehrer that Bloomberg was going to ban smoking in homes, and I was incensed for about three minutes, until I remembered the date. Then later, I was reading about how Bush has succeeded in giving rights to fetuses. I'm thinking that as far as radically invasive government actions go, I'd take the fake bad news in less than a heartbeat over the actual true bad news.

Every time I think the news couldn't possibly be more painful to watch, couldn't get any worse, things just sink lower and prove me wrong. Spain, Fallujah, the 9/11 commission red tape... And this is just the stuff we hear about. And it's all somehow Bush-related. God, I just...rrrrrrah, I can't believe what's going on here! Four more years of this and we'll either all be dead or we'll all be wearing bonnets and marching to church at gunpoint.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 13:07

Thursday, April 01, 2004

So I'm back Stateside now, and am just about over my jetlag after going to bed around 9:30 two nights in a row. I still feel grumpy and scowly, though... I wasn't quite ready to leave.

To sum it up quickly, we had a great time. I said all I wanted to do was drink, eat, and enjoy the company of my boyfriend and my friends, and that's exactly what I got.

I was planning on avoiding getting into the whole "bigger picture" effects of the trip, the emotional parts... but I'm going to go ahead with it.

At the cost of forcing Jeremy to sit through our incessant reminiscing, I realized again that the chemistry of our group of friends, and the implausible string of reminiscible things that happened to us, or that we did, was so, so uncommon. I can't even figure out how we fit it all into seven months, honestly. Ridiculous stories about scaling buildings, getting stuck in elevators, breaking into staff offices and switching the nameplates... there's probably a story for every day of the time I was living there. And we retold 'em all.

I realize that I probably won't ever live in England again, and I'm fine with that. I really like my life in New York and I can't imagine living anywhere else right now. Anyhow, it's not England I've wanted so much as a complete reconstruction of a time that's long since passed. But still... if given the chance to go back to any one part of my life and do it again, it would unquestionably be my seven months at Lancaster. Or... well, I don't know, I've had a pretty awesome time this year in New York. It's hard to say, and fortunately there's nobody telling me I have to choose what the best time of my life has been. But I sometimes feel so intensely that I'd do anything just to believe that time travel does exist, just so I could fold it back to that time of my life and have chicken fryers with Williams at two in the morning again, or have a pint with Di in the afternoon, or sit in the hallway talk to Blonde for an hour after class amid piles of dirty dishes. I'd even endure puking two bottles of wine up and down the hallway again (on camera) just to get the rest of it back.

Of course, we'd be crowing about some ridiculous story, and then I would look to my left and there would be Jeremy with his pint and his cigarette and he would touch my hand or smile at me like he does, and I would remember how good I have it in the here and now, and how lucky I am to have a past like that and a present like this.

I'm jealous of myself. If that makes any sense.

Anyway... I'm glad to be back.

the words spilled out effortlessly at 14:59