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Friday, February 27, 2004 I'm incredibly hung over today and have done no work at all, and probably won't do any work. And since I started playing Crimson Room there doesn't seem to be much point in doing anything else. the words spilled out effortlessly at 10:40 Thursday, February 26, 2004 Consider this message for someone else and not for you. I have this friend, a girl. We've been friends for awhile now and she has become important to me, a person I have come to need, in a certain sense. But lately I get the feeling she's given up on me, on trying to be my friend or getting to know me better, and it makes me really sad. I'm not sure she understands. I feel like I do try to reach out, but maybe it's in such subtle ways that she doesn't realize it means something more than just an email or a question. I suspect she might say the same. If I had to guess, I would say that she doesn't dislike me, but that it's just a matter of miscrossed wires and neither of us understanding that the other one really does care. I think. It's just really disappointing to see a good thing shrivel, and my nervous attempts to revive things just come out as stilted, awkward. I'm not sure how this sort of thing happens. I don't want it to be like this. I don't know if she reads my site or not, because she knows I have one, but whether or not she knows the URL has never been acknowledged. I guess I'm posting this on the off chance that she does. Somehow it's easier this way than direct contact. the words spilled out effortlessly at 10:29 Wednesday, February 25, 2004 Good morning, good morning... nice day today, isn't it? A bit brisk, but nice. I'm feeling good today. Feeling sharp, feeling optimistic. I don't know why. Yesterday I applied for a job that sounds, though it may not actually be, perfect for me. I'd be working for a company that produces radio, tv and film documentaries, and do we remember what Sarah said just last week about wanting to do exactly that? Well... I did. So I figure I have a slim to nil chance of getting the job, since my relevant experience is feeble at best, but still, hope is all I'm asking for at this point. Sometimes it's enough. I spent 40 minutes on the phone with AT&T Wireless yesterday and came out on the other end with a pretty sweet cell contract and a free phone, thank you very much. I feel terrible about getting a new cell phone every year, what with the negative environmental impact of cell phone production and the environment going to shit in every possible way anyway... but my new phone is super cute and plays lots of songs. Call me shallow. Holy crap, and the phone just arrived at my cubicle! Fastest package delivery ever. Smallest phone ever. AT&T really does love me. Though Oscar-mania annoys me to the core every year, namely because half the movies I've loved throughout the year are never even recognized there, I've decided to go ahead and do an office pool for the first time. Partly because I'm pulling for Lost in Translation and Triplets of Belleville, but mostly because I have this blind, unfounded belief that I can and will win big at something, someday. Even though my persistent dabbling in online sweepstakes has netted me exactly nothing... no ukelele's, no baskets of free Nivea products, no nothing. Okay, going to play with my new phone now. the words spilled out effortlessly at 11:08 Monday, February 23, 2004 Dear God, Please deliver me from having to listen to the excruciatingly uninteresting breakdown of the last episode of Sex and the City, which I have been sitting here trying to ignore for the past twenty minutes. I know I don't believe in you mostly, but if you could grant me this favor within the next two minutes, I might reconsider everything. Thanks! Sarah ... I don't get why people loved that show so much. Why would a person adore those characters, honestly? Why would you want to be like that? Oh god. My coworker just said she went to a Sex and the City party where the people actually decorated the place with pink streamers and made sugar cookies with the characters' initials on them! What kind of world is this? the words spilled out effortlessly at 10:49 Thursday, February 19, 2004 I absolutely love it when my boss is away. You know, this week has just been delightful? And the reason it's been delightful is because I've been busy, I've had responsibilities that are important and completely under my control, as opposed to the usual way of things which involve my boss demanding approval over every tiny detail, including font size and bullet shapes and all the most ridiculously trivial things. I tell you, it's like a beautiful new world when she's not here. I even feel capable! I've worn jeans every day, yes, and I've come in late without fear of a disapproving glance... we all just seem more laid back and in control of things, less stressed. And I think if the boss wasn't here ever again, I might even really like this job. It's just so much more pleasant. Having said that... without her here, I also felt no qualms about researching other job options and career moves. First I applied for a cool-sounding copy writing job, which made me feel productive and good. But then, I got my weekly email from transom.org, and this week it features radio documentaries produced by students of the SALT Institute, which is in effect a DOCUMENTARY SCHOOL, which sounds like the dreamiest thing ever to me, and so I just up and decided that I'm going to apply for Fall, even though it's in Maine, because I realized that I deserve to follow a dream or an inkling or whatever this might be called. A calling, maybe? I don't know. I get too paralyzed by fear of instability, financial or structural or emotional, any kind, really. But a change is definitely needed. And I'm going to have to make the change myself and just deal with the debt or the loneliness or whatever happens. Because I'm tired of sitting around feeling sat-upon and talentless, and as I tend to forget too often, this is not how my professional life is supposed to go. It's just not. the words spilled out effortlessly at 17:12 Wednesday, February 18, 2004 Sometimes I want to have ten thousand of The Onion's babies. the words spilled out effortlessly at 16:42 Tuesday, February 17, 2004 the mystery music voicemail guy just called again, and didn't leave a message again. and i thought okay, maybe i want to know who this is after all. so i texted him a message: "sorry but i'm not going to answer unless i know who it is, pal!" i just thought if it was a friend (or a "pal") who did want to talk to me, they ought to know that. and then right away, the guy text back to me: "GREAT GO GET F*CKED". so. i've come to the conclusion that i don't know this person, since i'm fairly confident that i don't know anybody quite that jackassy in chicago. or any high school boys. looks like a boring old prankster to me. oh well. the words spilled out effortlessly at 22:23 I think that I may never know what it feels like to not be either broke, or on the verge of broke. I just don't know how people ever become responsible adults. Not that I'm ready to become one, but I guess it would be nice to look ahead and see a sign that perhaps I won't always be hovering, confused and muddled, unable to understand how it feels to not owe anybody or to buy something I need without having to give up things I want, or vice-versa. Of course, I'm only broke because I just took a weekend trip to Connecticut, dropped a lot of money for anniversary-related stuff, and bought a trip to England. I'm not unaware of the annoyance of having to hear someone complain about being broke when the reason is because you're going overseas for a nice holiday. Still sucks though. On a related note, I think I just stole someone else's can of lemon soda from the fridge. I don't have enough money to buy anything and I convinced myself that maybe I had actually bought this can of soda weeks and weeks ago, and just forgotten. But I'm pretty sure I stole it. Tastes the same either way. This is exactly why I need a celebrity best friend who would let me share her private jet, and stay in her suites and chateaus around the world. Babs has a friend who's best friends with Helen Hunt, and she gets all kinds of cool stuff. Any celebrities can please feel free to email me, and we'll take it from there. the words spilled out effortlessly at 12:57 Thursday, February 12, 2004 Weirdness. I keep getting these weird voicemails in the middle of the night, and last night it happened again. It's a band, or maybe a guy with a guitar and a four-track, and he / they call me around 3 or 4 in the morning, play a song at close range, and then when the song is finished they hang up the phone. Last night's selection was a warbly rendition of Tom Petty's "American Girl". So obviously it's not someone who holds the keys to my heart, or he'd know that only Phil Collins can get you there... I dunno, I'm not sure if I should be flattered or annoyed or just creeped out. It's a Chicago number, and I have no idea what guy in Chicago would even have my number, let alone think of me in the wee hours. I used to think it was meant for someone else, but the repetition seems to prove me wrong on that. Is it one of you folks? You can tell me... because I promise you I'm never gonna answer that phone, especially at 4 a.m. [Stalkerish aside: my creepy old neighbor, the English one who sent me a lengthy email highlighting my faults and his desperation for my attention, must be back in town, because I spied him on the subway the other morning and immediately jolted, ducked down in my seat and then, with no one standing in front of me to hide behind, pretended to be asleep for ten stops straight.] the words spilled out effortlessly at 14:39 Tuesday, February 10, 2004 You know why I'm feeling pretty happy right now? - You. Yes, you. - England! I'm going back to England in six weeks, you hear?? A vacation! I'm bringing the old ball and chain with me, too! And we scored supercheap tickets, and we're gonna meet up with my friends from school there and drink a lot. And eat a lot of chocolate, if history teaches me anything. - This Sunday is the big one-year anniversary with J... it's kind of snuck up on me because it's gone so fast, and because we have fun and everything still feels new sometimes. it's not perfect, because what relationship ever is... but it's a good place to be. Also, even though Valentines day isn't a holiday I usually grant much fanfare, it's nice to have one for the first time since 1998. Plus I just like the guy. - My new spiffy green jacket. I was in Daffy's today and there it was in the kids department... this perfect little kelly green car jacket. It's more than a little short in the sleeves, and the buttons all say "Husky" on them, but I really don't care. It's damn cute. - I just finished knitting a mouse for Barbara's new kitty! Yeah, that's right, I knit a mouse. That doesn't make me a dork, you know. It's special. Has a little red bow behind its ear and everything. - Woah. My roommate just came in and handed me two tickets to The Decembrists show at Bowery that isn't until March 26th! She works at Bowery... I like that about her. - I would never have believed you if you told me I was going to say he could make me happy, but... uh... Bill O'Reilly. Take that, Georgie. - My cat. Late last night she came tearing through my room with her head poking through a hole in a plastic bag which flew behind her like a cape. I later discovered that she'd busted into the catnip stash and gotten herself smacked out while I was asleep. No kidding. Now how cute is that? I keep chuckling about it. - Buffy Season Four. ... That's all I've got for now. It's been a little busy at work lately and I don't think about posting much while I'm there. But I'm never very far away. Kiss kiss, cheries. the words spilled out effortlessly at 23:59 Sunday, February 08, 2004 NADIA, NOW! first, i want to tell you that i am plastered drunk. now, the story. when i was ten, i had a fixation. there was this movie, see, a movie i had seen on the disney channel, a movie of glory and grace and humility. at the time cable was new and exciting and presented a bounty of options, you see... many of you may be too young to remember a day without cable options, and i want you to understand that cable changed everything. it brought us different worlds, my friends. beautiful worlds. foreign worlds. and so i tell you that my favorite movie of the time, then, was NADIA: THE STORY OF THE WORLD'S FIRST PERFECT TEN. and if you're worth your salt you know that it's a movie based on the early life of nadia comaneci, and her path to glory at the olympic games and beyond. and if you're worth your salt, you know it was among the best films of its time and you loved it endlessly, too. and you will understand why i, as a 26-year-old, still love it so. [aside: to be honest, i think the real reason i fell for jeremy was because he told me early on that his first career aspiration, as a young boy, was to become a ninja gymnast. because he had seen this movie on the disney channel and it had really inspired him. and how could i not totally love him, honestly?] i have kept this movie on my amazon wish list for three years now, and finally this christmas my mom relented and got it for me. nadia, my favorite movie ever, or at least my favorite movie from year 1988. i saved it and saved it, waiting for the perfect time and atmosphere in which to watch it, and the time turned out to be tonight. megan cooked thai and i brought my shrink-wrapped, official edition of nadia. after dinner, we poured some more wine, popped in the movie and held hands in anticipation. while i had seen this movie at least 30 times at the age of 10 and megan had too, neither of us had seen it in 15 years, so understandably it was a big deal. tension was thick in the air. for those of you who know (and i know you're out there because otherwise you would've stopped reading at the headline of this essay), for those of you who saw this film on the disney channel in 1989, you will know why i am utterly gutted when i tell you that THEY CUT OUT THE FRIEND-DANCE SEQUENCE ALTOGETHER!!! you know the part where nadia and teodora are all, we're both equally good gymnasts, let's dance in the moonlight and acknowledge our equality? fucking cut out!!! not only that, but a lot of other parts were cut out! like when nadia's boyfriend catches her on the parallel bars and he's all, you've gotten fat, and she's all, i don't need you or anybody, go away, go away. i mean, what does it mean to own the official tape if it's just an edited version, really? are those not two crucial points in the film? just cut out, left to shrivel and die? i'm just pissed and wasted, that's all. and i want you to understand my disappointment. if theyr'e gonna shiv me on nadia, then what's the point of living anymore? [writing this took me a really long time. i can't really see and still i spelled everything right i think. ] the words spilled out effortlessly at 03:31 Thursday, February 05, 2004 VOTE. Hey, okay, so tomorrow is the last day you can register to vote. So if you haven't done this yet, and you are not voting Republican, please rush right over and get yourself registered. Right on over. the words spilled out effortlessly at 11:52 Tuesday, February 03, 2004 Hot Socky Does anybody remember me getting extremely excited about Stupid Creatures a few months ago? John Murphy is an artist who will take your old socks and turn them into a critter for you. I think I found him in Ready Made or someplace like that... Well, I sent my socks in to him. My favorite pair, a pair I've been carrying with me for 10 years even though I could no longer wear them for fear of their complete decomposure... and now, at long last, I have received my Stupid Creature, who is named Sophina. Isn't she beautiful? 
I've never bought art before... I think she's perfect. the words spilled out effortlessly at 10:36 |
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